The Long Winter

This has been a long winter. It's April 10 and we are still buried in snow with more on the way. It's also been a long spiritual winter I think; for me at least. Life hasn't exactly gone the way I wanted it to. There have been lots of adjustments, both good and bad, but not a whole lot of time to adjust or process what has all happened. When I look back I think I can say that I have had an abnormally hard season.

Getting married was good. Really good actually. People say that you should 'ease into' your marriage in the first year. Tori and I just kinda dove right in and hit the ground running. We had people over to our house almost every day at the start. Visitors, family, friends, no honeymoon. Then my wife went in for surgery to get rid of nasty gall-stone attacks that had been giving her incredible pain. The surgery was a success but people with EDS heal slowly so we knew that it would take a while to fully recover.

I got to make all the meals and clean the kitchen, bathroom, living room, everything. But she never did fully recover. Not entirely. You see, it shouldn't have been medically possible but we are now expecting a child, and Victoria managed to get every possible negative symptom of pregnancy. Then there were the week long modular courses in November and December, the two back to back almost killed her and the nasty falls on the ice didn't help much either. I knew going in that this was not going to be an ideal season for health and I was ready to stand up and do my part, but the season began to extend beyond what I foresaw and new storm clouds on the horizon made me prepare for some nasty slugging up ahead.

During Victoria's last class she didn't meet the professor's expectations. We got to argue that the expectations were unrealistic given the circumstances and that due care and attention to her needs was not given even when she asked for specific accommodation. This lead to a long appeal process and ultimately in my wife having to leave the school because dealing with them was simply too taxing on her health.

Then, as if by the hand of God (since I thought that surely things could not get any more difficult), we had a relational explosion and meltdown with some close friends that made Victoria afraid to be around people for a month

That has been the context of life since January. Health in the toilet, disappointments falling from the sky, the foundations seemingly cracking and shifting beneath our feet, and then there's me running around trying to fix everything.

I tried fixing the issue between Victoria and the school. That one is hard because I work for the school and I am Victoria's husband which makes being her advocate difficult to keep straight. I tried fixing the explosion in our friendship but I can't make it happen. I try to provide for what my wife needs but I'm still new to this whole 'live with a woman thing' and can't figure out what on earth to do when she's hormonal or when her EDS flares up. I've been called upon to lead House Church a midst the chaos that everyone else is going through normally during the school year at a time when the other House Church leaders can't be there. Now the school year is almost done and then everyone will be gone and still no sign of spring yet.

Yep... All in all it's been a long winter. I'm always tired and the fact that we're getting more snow doesn't even phase me anymore. I look forward to spring, to that light at the end of the tunnel. It's been tough, and looking back I'm amazed that we haven't blown apart or simply died by now. Somehow I don't think I've given into bitterness, and I think I've still found the strength to continue caring and hurting with others, not giving into numbness. Somehow I'm still working at redeeming what I maybe should have just let burn by now. The Lord truly does give us tireless grace to continue on.

I am tired. I love my wife. And I won't give up. Even in the long winter I must look to the Lord and allow him to lead me.

Greg Out