Who I do not want to be

I have been confronted with two visions. One is who I thought I wanted to be and realize now that I do not and the other is the one I didn't want to be which I realize now that I do. If you find that sentence a little confusing then you are probably close to the same frame of mind that I find myself in.

Once upon a time I thought I wanted to be a rational teacher and a debater who could put atheists, liberal talk show hosts, politicians and other perceived enemies of God to shame with heavenly inspired logic and a rapier whit. Then I spent four years at Briercrest and got a BA in Theology and an additional five years working on a MA in Systematic Theology. Halfway through my education I learned that the world wasn't as black and white as I thought it was and I was not as smart as I thought I was. Life went on and I continued my studies and that dream vanished from my mind until I saw someone else living it... and I didn't like what I saw.

Defeating people with logic alone is disgusting. The friend I saw doing this definitely won the argument but the argument was stupid and definitely not worth crushing the other. He boasted about his triumphs, mocking the woman he had baited and trolled, quoting her private messages to him for others to laugh at. She pleaded that he respect her privacy and act as a Christian brother but he mocked her pleas, quoting them for his friends to show how stupid and ridiculous she was being. I was shocked. Horrified. I was struck numb, my soul cringed inside me. What had he accomplished? Is a conversation about Gluten really worth baiting and spitting upon your fellow image bearer of God? More than that, fellow heir of whom you share the bond of Christ?

No, there is a better way. I tried to explain it but he became defensive and tried continued on with his logical correctness. This is not who I want to be.

Then there is Thomas Watson, the puritan I have started writing about. I didn't think I would ever want to be a pastor. Overworked, underpaid, slandered, abused by Church goers, elders, friends, and strangers. And yet hear I am, taking a pastoral stance on a lot of things these days. More on that tomorrow after I have slept.