The last days have been difficult in my mind and heart. I have been hoping to find an opportunity to serve in Christian ministry officially for a while now. Haven't had a whole lot of progress on that front yet as we have the idiosyncrasies of small children, autism, and disability plus being plagued by 'flu-like virus' for the last two months that keeps making rounds of the house. Whenever I think I find an opening to talk to the pastoral team at our church their boat speeds away to a retreat or emergency or missions trip. I feel like I'm paddling to where I hope they'll be in a few weeks but as I paddle towards ministry I am increasingly disturbed by the bodies I find floating in the water.
Friends I had gone to school with, who were eager and equipped to get into ministry, are floating the other direction either holding onto wreckage or just face down in the water. A gifted couple ideal for ministry sets out from Briercrest, they get into their local church and have a really hard time fitting in until one of them burns out, leaves the marriage, and takes up a homosexual relationship leaving the other partner with a broken marriage, a broken heart, and little chance of reconciliation. Another friend who got the same theological degree I did, tried helping out in the church, got fed up and frustrated with the stupid and bigotry of the congregants, and left. They have now renounced their faith. Another friend, perhaps my closest college friend, was forced out of the young adults ministry he was leading when the pastor above him got a little too controlling and isolationist in his thinking. He carries wounds and has not been able to find another church to go to in over a year. Another friend, still in ministry and hanging on for dear life, has a pastor from Hell (not a good place place for a pastor to come from) who makes his life a living nightmare and seems intent on driving everyone away from ministry.
So why do I want to get involved in ministry? Don't I have enough problems and uncertainty in my life right now? I mean, sure I want to help people, I love Jesus, I have that theological degree, but seeing what ministry has done to... well... pretty much ALL of my college / seminary friends is making me stop to ask questions.
I think our church is healthy. We've been going off and on for just under a year and the preaching is solid, and the atmosphere is similar to The Gathering in Caronport which is a big plus. We spent the year going to Life Group at the Associate Pastor's house and we got a good feeling that things are alright with them and in the church just from that.
Could I be happy doing something else? I'm not sure. Maybe after years of routine and beating back my conscience I could get rid of this pang to somehow take an active role in church ministry.
It's crazy. Whatever my status and degrees and preparations I don't feel equipped, I don't feel adequate, and I shudder to think of what ministry has done to my friends and what it could do to me and my family, but there it is continually before me. I almost wish it would leave me alone, then I could pursue something that was safe and makes good money. It will not though, I am captivated by a vision that I can only begin to comprehend, the vision of the Kingdom of God.
May the Lord our God have mercy on his servants and guide us into how we may best love and serve him with all our hearts and with all our minds with all our souls and with all of our strength.
Amen
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